Old Fart For Hire Or Rent

After spending nearly a year with Mrs Bridges (and her preserves, marmalades, chutneys, curds, mustards, relishes, and mayonnaise) we are divorcing. Sadly, unlike Bob Marley, we really weren’t jammin’ and therefore, from 1st August, I’ll be back out on the pull.

Let me start as I mean to go on. I don’t have a doctorate, a degree, or even an ‘A’ Level. I do, however, have over thirty years worth of skills and knowledge gained in a diverse variety of sales, marketing, and account management roles. I’m pretty sure that my track record far outweighs any lack of academic qualifications. That said, I do have ‘O’ Levels in Geography and Art; so if you ever need a really pretty map drawn, I’m your man.

Also, I’ve always had a passion for writing. With an eye on combining this passion with my sales experience, I’m currently halfway through a Copywriting Diploma. Although not up to Booker Prize standard yet, you can sample some of my literary shenanigans on the pages of this here blog.

It’s easy for people to make boastful claims on their CVs about their unsurpassed professional prowess, but let’s be honest, how many of those claims are at best fabricated, or at worst bare-faced lies? Although I struggle with the burgeoning look-at-me-aren’t-I-great crowd, please don’t confuse my self-deprecation with a lack of ambition or drive. I’m justifiably proud of my career achievements and my track record speaks for itself.

Let’s face it, as a short, ugly bloke with dodgy knees and as much grace on the dance floor as a kangaroo with vertigo, convincing a beautiful, athletic and talented lady to become my wife (and then stick around for seventeen years) must surely mean that I’m a truly gifted salesman…

Other things that you won’t read on my CV: I’ve got a fork-lift truck driving license attained whilst ferrying explosive material around a munitions factory and a qualification that means I can practice hypnotherapy. Look into my eyes, not around my eyes… (At least £200k per annum please).

Finally, as previously stated, I’ll be open for business from 1st August. After four years in the food industry, I am setting up as a freelance sales agent. I already have one fabulous client on board, so if you would like to chat with me about your own circumstances, please drop me a line. I will also consider an employed role with the RIGHT company (i.e. a supportive, appreciative, motivational, collaborative one), either in or outside of the food industry.

You can read my LinkedIn post and connect with me by clicking here –https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/old-fart-hire-rent-ian-pople/

My real CV is available on request.

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