![](\"http:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/img_2247-1.jpg\")
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Below is an article I originally posted on my Facebook page. <\/span>Writing it was a cathartic exercise and, due to its <\/span><\/span>intensely<\/span><\/span> personal nature, I thought long and hard about whether I should publish it at all<\/span><\/span>. I’m so glad I did as the response <\/span>I’ve had has been overwhelming. The most wonderful thing about it though is that a few people have contacted me since to let me know that reading <\/span>the article has helped them take the first brave steps to seek help.<\/span><\/p>\n This is what I wrote:<\/span><\/p>\n On August 2nd 2018, it was exactly 40 years since my dad died. He was only 38. I was <\/span>just<\/span><\/span> about to turn 15.<\/span><\/p>\n This milestone anniversary, combined with the recent death of a childhood friend, has prompted me to share my story with you<\/span><\/span>. <\/span><\/p>\n After reading it, if <\/span><\/span>just<\/span><\/span> one of you finds the courage to seek help for your own problems, it will be the best, and most important article I\u2019ve ever written<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n Anyway, for what it\u2019s worth, here goes…<\/p>\n At some point between my parents\u2019 bitter divorce and my dad\u2019s death a few weeks before starting my last year at secondary school, I got lost<\/span><\/span>. So lost that I can’t remember much of that school year at all. I must have sat some exams as I’ve got a bunch of O’Level certificates, but I don’t remember taking them. <\/span><\/p>\n Being a sensitive child caught up in the middle of an imploding marriage was tough<\/span>, and even though I was living through a perpetual shitfest, I <\/span><\/span>obviously<\/span><\/span> didn’t want my parents to separate. But, when my dad did eventually move out, it was a relief<\/span><\/span>. At least there were no more rows I had to pretend not to hear or stony and uncomfortable dinner-table silences I had to sit through. <\/span>Sadly<\/span><\/span> though, this relief was short-lived and things were about to get far worse.<\/span><\/p>\n During the following months, I had to cope with the trauma of my mother\u2019s two suicide attempts. I was also the lucky recipient of a letter she left for me after \u201cgoing out for a drink with a friend\u201d. <\/span><\/p>\n The letter stated that she couldn\u2019t cope anymore and had left home, never to return. My dad had already gone and now my mum had deserted me too. <\/span><\/p>\n The pain I felt from reading the last line of that letter: \u201cnever forget your mum\u201d, remains the single most horrific moment of my entire life. It was so mind-shattering that for a long time I firmly believed that anyone I cared about would always leave me.<\/span><\/p>\n In the years that followed, my mother would often comment to friends, family and anyone who would listen that I was \u201c<\/span><\/span>just<\/span><\/span> like my father\u201d<\/span><\/span>. Despite the smile that accompanied her words, it wasn\u2019t a positive statement. Her resentment, although she didn\u2019t realise it, was palpable. <\/span><\/p>\n I was now at an age when the emotional turmoil I’d suffered as a kid was about to collide with hormonal teenage angst. The self-doubt and debilitating lack of confidence I felt were horrible and I spent what should have been a joyous and carefree time in my life worrying about, well, everything and anything. <\/span><\/p>\n Bizarrely, at least when I had one of my frequent panic attacks, I “felt” somethi<\/span>ng, as<\/span><\/span> <\/span>most of my waking hours <\/span>were <\/span>mentally fogbound: a heady mixture of lethargy and numbness. <\/span><\/p>\n Sadly<\/span><\/span>, I <\/span>barely<\/span><\/span> knew my dad. Over the years, my young mind had blanked out any essence of who he was or what he meant to me. I\u2019m not a psychiatrist, but I guess this was an attempt at mental self-preservation. <\/span><\/p>\n In fact, I did such a good job on myself that on the day he died, although I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news, I felt nothing. I didn’t even go to his funeral. This still saddens me so much.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n As my formative years were such a massive psychological disaster, getting too close to anyone as an adult was a terrifying prospect<\/span><\/span>. <\/span><\/p>\n The trail of disastrous and broken relationships left in my wake is testament to this. <\/span>I\u2019ve also suffered several bouts of depression and anxiety, and I still have a tendency to self-destruct at the drop of a hat<\/span><\/span>. <\/span><\/p>\n Although I\u2019ve dealt with many of my issues, my godlike comedy-genius and outwardly confident persona are still hiding the real me<\/span><\/span>. Imposter syndrome? Check me out!<\/span><\/p>\n My reason for sharing this very personal story is simple. As I\u2019m a massive coward, if I can find the strength to seek help and talk about my problems, I know you can too. <\/span><\/p>\n When I was in a very dark place, <\/span>just<\/span><\/span> before my 40th birthday, I plucked up the courage to speak to someone. I was in denial; drinking way too too much and not looking after myself <\/span>properly. <\/span><\/p>\n I left seeking professional help much later than <\/span>I should have – almost too late. I was desperate and, I suspect, not far away from chucking myself off a tall building. I talked to my doctor and was then recommended an amazing counsellor. She listened and listened and then listened some more. <\/span><\/p>\n Gradually<\/span><\/span>, through her patience and skill (and lots of my tears), I came to some understanding of why I felt and acted the way I did and she gave me some tools and strategies to help me cope with these feelings. <\/span><\/p>\n I still have my dark moments and they will probably never completely leave, but Rachel, my amazing wife and my steadying rock, is always there for me when I need emotional support. <\/span><\/p>\n Anyway you lot, never EVER feel that you have to suffer in silence, because I promise you there is ALWAYS someone out there ready to listen and help<\/span><\/span>. <\/span><\/p>\n So take that <\/span>horribl<\/span><\/span>e, almost <\/span>impossibly difficult first fucking step. I promise you WILL thank me later that you did! <\/span><\/p>\n RIP dad – I wish things could have been different x<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Below is an article I originally posted on my Facebook page. Writing it was a cathartic exercise and, due to its intensely personal nature, I thought long and hard about whether I should publish it at all. I’m so glad I did as the response I’ve had has been overwhelming. The most wonderful thing about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-464","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/464","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=464"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/464\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=464"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=464"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/theacousticeggbox.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=464"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}